In the April 2001 edition of “Focus on the Family”, Dr. James Dobson said, “There is no sex education program, no curriculum, no school or institution in the world that can match the power and influence of … parental involvement. … [These] are the parents who are present and involved, who communicate and exemplify their own values and attitudes, who ask questions, who carefully supervise their kids’ choice of escorts and points of destination, and who insist on a reasonable curfew.”
I know the above quote is more than a decade old, but it’s still true! The problem is parents do not believe they have any effect, let alone a major effect on their children’s and teen’s behavior. Too often they leave teaching of rules and guidelines to Sunday School, schools, peers, and television. But the bad news, and the good news, is that no one has more influence on a child’s or teen’s behavior than their parents!
Unfortunately, many parents are afraid they will hurt their child’s self-esteem if they correct him.; some even fail to give advice because they fear it will destroy their self esteem. But, kids develop self esteem from inside. We parents can’t do much directly about that, except to help kids start projects (set goals), and then let them do the project. That’s what produces self esteem. Self esteem is feeling good about one self. It does not evolve from having everyone treat you like something you know you aren’t. I’m thinking here about kids whose parents treat them like kings or at the very least princesses. Remember the Boy King? Not Sam Winchester of Hell, but the King of England, Edward VI, who ruled from 1547-1553 at age 9 to 15. His parents, like parents of all royalty, had a “whipping boy” who would get whipped if the royal child did something wrong and needed discipline. No, I’m not suggesting you whip your kids, or their friends.
Now, back to the problem at hand. Kids, including teens, like the rest of us hate lectures, at least the kind that seem to place limits on the things we would like to do. Accept that! Tell your kids that you hate to be lectured, and expect they probably hate it too. In so doing you open up conversation and acknowledge the best way to teach is by example. Tell them that, too!
So then, how do we teach by example? Simple, just be the person we want our children to become. Sorry for saying “simple”; doing the right thing and avoiding the evil, isn’t always so simple, but it’s the best and probably the only way to instill lasting values.
But, there are many ways to reinforce those values, we call them “Teaching moments”, and there are plenty of them available. Teaching moments happen all the time: when we see someone drinking too much at a ball game; when we see inappropriate displays of affection in public; when we see scantily dressed adults; when we read about an outburst of anger leading to a shooting; when we see someone bullying another; when we see someone texting while driving or while having dinner with their family. Many men have served in the Armed Forces and have learned that it is improper for men to wear a cap or hat in side a building especially a home or restaurant. If this is one of your concerns talk with your kids about it! And when news stories tell us about drug busts, lung cancer, teen pregnancy, AIDS, other STDs, and other horrible consequences to behavior talk with your kids. These are the times kids will soak up the values we share. Unfortunately, the opportunities are countless.
There are positive teaching moments, too. We have all seen people pick up a piece of litter they did not drop, help a handicapped person cross a street, or help load someone’s groceries into their car. If you see a Uniformed Military Person mention how proud of them you are; if possible let your kids see you thank them for their dedication to our freedom. You will feel so good when you talk about these events with your kids and next week you will see them do the right thing.
Our instinct is to shield our kids from many of these horrific scenes. Yet these everyday experiences can become the basis for teaching values, and the way we adults handle them determines what values our children will adopt as their own. To fail to discuss someone’s public drunkenness, for example, teaches that we place no value on sobriety. Laughing at such a calamity teaches that we enjoy others’ misfortune. Not noticing another’s charitable efforts teaches charity is not important. The involvement of us parents and the way we discuss these incidents is the key. These are the discussions upon which character is built; they create impressions that kids will take with them into the future and throughout their lives.
Parenting is not as easy as it was generations ago, but it is still required of responsible parents.
If you would like to make parenting easier and more effective for parents you know, please share this blog. They’ll appreciate it and thank you again and again.