Some weeks ago a mother told me she was tired of arguing with her teen age son. “Why don’t you stop?”, I asked. After looking at me funny she asked, “How do I do that? He is the one who argues!” “Just stop!” I repeated. Then I explained that it takes two to argue so if one stops the argument stops.
That sounds too easy, but it works in spite of the fact that teens love to argue and, no surprise, mothers don’t. It may be a surprise to know that teens really need to argue! This may sound funny, but arguing helps them organize their thoughts and formulate ideas, goals, and efforts to improve things, even if they can not, at this time, change things. That is one of the reasons schools have debate teams.
Just like a school debate has rules you and your teen need to decide what the rules will be. Sometime when both mother and teen are happy, calm, and feeling pleasant they should have a discussion on arguing. There are some things they can argue about, global warming, US presence in Afghanistan, Health Care Bill, and the like. But, there are somethings that are not open to argument, curfew, chores, drinking, missing school, and the like. And there are many things that warrant discussion, room cleaning, clothes, dating, among them.
Together they should establish the rules of arguing with the bottom line being when the judge (Mom) says the argument is over, it’s over. Any further discussion will result in punishment which will increase with every statement the teen makes after Mom stops. (In debate, when the timer goes off or the judge says “Stop.”, it stops, so this is not unfair.) For example, if Mom say it over and Teen say, “But Joe’s mother lets him!” Mom answers, “One week without your cell phone.” Teen replies, “That’s not fair!” Mom says “Two weeks.” You get the point.
If both Teen and Mom know this rule ahead of time, and the teen learns Mother is serious and will follow through, the argument’s will stop. It works every time, but mothers need to be consistent! Oh, least I forget, dads, like teens, usually like to argue, too; and when they argue with teens they should abide by the same rules! Your house will be a lot quieter and you all will learn from each other. Try it, I know you’ll like it. Let me know how it goes!