Happy Father’s Day!!
I hope all you fathers have a great day and I hope everybody who is not a father has a great day, too. Afterall, you have a father!
Two weeks ago I posed the following question on linkedin: http://www.linkedin.com/groupItem? : So few fathers seem to be interested in and involved with their kids. So my question for all of you, moms and dads alike is: What can we do to get more dads involved in parenting?
Since posting I have had more than 40 responses. They were all good, but they talked about how to get men who live in a home with their wives and children more involved in childcare. Some suggested games to play and ways to start a conversation. Others, men and women, were quick to blame mothers for being to quick to criticize the way men parent. Adam Dolgin blamed parenting magazines that are really mother’s magazines as they never mention fathers. Everett Marwood noted the need to recognize that “mothers and fathers parent differently. My observation is that mothers tend to parent best through quiet moments – talking, listening, reading, dressing, hygiene. Fathers tend to parent better through sports, roughhousing, and activity.” Good observation, and Carol Disseldorp, Croft Castrell, and many others agreed.
Dorene Zhulkovsky correctly mentioned that kids mis-behavior is often a sign that the parents disagree on parenting, or other things in their relationship. “The tension and discord between mom and dad is the largest contributor to the children’s misbehavior and acting out. The children’s bad behavior is a symptom not the disease.” Then she agreed with Croft, “Men don’t want to be told how to this and how to that. As Croft mentioned, criticism discourages him. Criticism is never good! I have noticed that men will back away and even stop parenting when being criticized.”
Tshaka Armstrong started Daddy Daughter Tea Date to show dads how much kids love them, need them, and want to spend time with them. Morris Fisher wisely said, “Parenting is not what you do but who you are.”
After a week of the above remarks and many others I rephrased my question: What I want to know is how do we educate young men that fathers are imortant? Many of them have never had a father and most of the TV ads that they see make fun of fathers, demean them, and give the impression that dads are just dumb, unnecessary fixtures that moms and kids are better off not knowing. These are the men (I use the word loosly) who impregnate women with no intention of ever being a father. The mothers seem to accept the fact that they will be single moms. Is there something we can do in grade school or middle school to help them understand their role? High school is usually too late, many of the guys I am talking about will not finish highschool. What’s a country to do?
Tshaka Armstrong was the first to take a stab at an answer: “What can you do in grade or middle school? Deal with both sides of the equation… girls need to have a grasp of their value, a sense of significance and healthy self-image. Boys need to have the same and strong, committed male role models who will model the behavior, counteracting the many messages in our culture’s music and tv. In addition, youths in underprivileged areas need hope and resources. When you’re in Jr High and believe that you’re only going to live as far as your 18th birthday then being a father at 16 is like having your child at an old age. It’s hard to get people who live constantly in survival mode to think about the future because they believe they have one.”
Adam Dolgin was more pessimistic when he commented, “As far as dads that don’t want a relationship with their infants or toddlers, they’re a lost cause, and their country club memberships (or their girlfriends) mean more to them than their kids. That’s sad. Do we really need another generation of kids raised strictly by single moms, grand parents and nannies?” David Walters was equally negative. ” For the fathers that don’t want anything to do with their kids, they are most likely too self-centered to help.” he said. But he later added, “I personally find it so sad that some dads are not involved with their kids. To me, it is the most important job I have. I truly believe all children belong to God and we are given the awesome responsibility of raising them. I think God would be very disappointed with a mom or dad that does not take that job seriously.”
Adam’s last post was one of agreement: “I agree – mentors are great, and I found many “surrogate” dads growing up to compensate for not having a goood one of my own, but at the end of the day, it’s the willingness to learn (and make mistakes) that makes a good father, not the the tools we, as teachers, provide.”
There are so many good responses that I just don’t have space to print. So do your self a favor after reading this and check out that site; http://www.linkedin.com/groupItem?
Here are my thoughts: Is there really a problem? What can we do?
Kids, both boys and girls, need fathers in their home!! And, unpopular as it may seem, it really doesn’t matter if the dad changes the diaper and cooks the meals or the mom does, kids who have 2 parents do much better than those who live in a home without a live in father. Check the statistics on the site; http://www.fatherhood.org/.
I am most likely as old as most of your fathers. I look at the fathering my Grand Dads did 100+ years ago. Of course I was not alive to see them father, but I have heard many tales of their actions or inactions as dads. These men worked 10-14 hours every day; but only did the minimum on Sunday- milked the cows and fed the animals. They never fed a baby, changed a diaper, or combed anybody’s hair. They rarely talked to their kids. Remember, “kids should be seen, not heard.” Now I am not recommending we go back to that standard, first of all, it is not fair to the mothers of today’s kids. Most of them have careers and my wife would say they, unlike their grandmothers “have a life”, and they should! So dads need to help parent, clean, cook, and do what ever is needed to maintain a household. Second, in our world they and the kids would miss out on too much fun.
A couple of generations later when our first son was born I would get up in the morning and wash his diapers with an old conventional wringer washer, and hang them on the line before I went to the hospital. And I might add, they were as clean and white as the new fallen snow. Did I have to do this? No. Did it help with parenting? Yes. Was my wife grateful? Yes. Did she offer criticism? No. I am not trying to brag or show how good of a husband or dad I was, but I could not think of not being a part of the two lives I loved more than anything else. Incidently we will be married 50 years this August. David and Adam you are so right; the greatest part of living is being a father. I know it is for me, so much so, that I ended my parenting book, “Messengers in Denim” with the following:
“Fathering four children has been the highlight of my life. When I look back at all the things I have done, every accomplishment pales compared to the pride I have in these four young adults. I never imagined parenting could be so much fun and so rewarding. My prayer is that reading this book has helped you so that you, too, can have an equally wonderful experience as a parent. God bless you all!”
Today’s parents are bullied by the media into thinking that there is only one way to parent and it has to be done just right or the kids will turn into Ted Bundy (Mass killer of some time ago). There is no right way to parent but there are thousands of books claiming their way is the right way. (Messengers in Denim is not a how to parent book, it is a how to be a parent book.) I have seen all kinds of parenting styles with all kinds of outcomes. The important thing is that Mom respects, loves, and cares for Dad, and Dad respects, loves, and cares for Mom and when the parents are the kind of person they want their kids to become the kids will be ok.
But, my question is not about how to parent, it is about the 24 million kids, 1 out of every 3 who live in a home without a dad! Tshaka has it right! We need to somehow teach boy and girls in grade school or middle school what an adult is, we need to make sure they don’t think that life will end for them at age 18 or 20. They need to know they don’t have to end up in prison before they are 25. The problem is these are things Dads usually teach, not by words, but by their actions. And dads are absent from their homes.
Our call is to find these kids and mentor them, be a surrogate father to them, believe in them so they can believe in themselves. Big brother and sisters is a great organization. But we don’t have to be long to that group to help out. There was an article in this mornings paper about Pat Summit, woman’s basketball coach at UT who has the record of most wins by any coach. She says she is in the people business and her goal is to use basketball to help her students become all they can be. To do what ever they want, to break every glass ceiling. And she has been remarkably successful there as well as on the court.
Finally, we all are in the people business; if we are not helping people improve their lives we are helping them destroy it. Do what ever you can!
To learn more go to these great sites.
http://www.fatherhood.org/ , Tom Dungy’s site: http://www.allprodad.com/ , http://wp.me/ptOtT-24,http://www.businessinsider.com/10-youtube-videos-that-every-entrepreneur-should-watch-2011-6#drive-the-surprising-truth-about-what-motivates-us-2, www.amindfulplace.com
http://www.ontheballparent.com/blog/?p=144
http://theevilthatyouknow.blogspot.com/2011/06/thats-not-very-neighbourly-what-mr.html
http://blog.volunteerspot.com/volunteer_guru/2011/06/dads-toys-the-tots-dads-participate.html
And here is a book you might like: “Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers” by Dr. Neufeld and Dr. Gabor