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When I decided to practice adolescent medicine I thought I would be able to help all those trouble teens and their families get back on track. I soon learned that by the teen years a kids life habits are pretty much formed; what happens before the teen years is what’s important.
Over the years I asked hundreds of high school and college kids if they felt their parents were stricter than the average parent or more lenient. They either said, “They used to be really easy, but now they are so strict that I can’t even move without being yelled at.” Or they replied, “They were really tough when I was little, but since I became a teenager they’ve really laxed up!”
When I asked them what they thought caused their parents to change their attitude, I soon discovered that those in the first group were the ones who had been, or were, in trouble. Those is the second group said they had never been in trouble so, “I guess they just think they don’t have to worry about me any more, and they don’t.”
Sounds simple doesn’t it! Be strict when your kids are little, and relax and enjoy them when they get to high school. Sounds easy, yes, but it really isn’t quite so simple. Here are some things to consider doing for the years before they become tweens.
1) Be the person you want your child to become! If you want your child to be happy, optimistic, honest, spiritual, and respectful they you should be happy, optimistic, honest, spiritual, and respectful! If you are a “Yeller and Screamer”, guess what, your child will be a yeller and screamer and will become an adult yeller and screamer!
2) Expect the best! I often hear parents say, “She is such a good kid now, but I’m so afraid of the teen years.” or “I just don’t know what I’ll do when it’s time to get his drivers license. I just dread thinking about it!” When I ask why they are afraid the answer is, “You know how teenagers act!” And,worse they say it in front of the kids. Kids are like computers, they do what we program them to do! Why not say something like, “I just can’t wait until Joel get his license. I know he’ll be a good driver and lord knows I could use help with all the driving errands I have to do!”
3) Give them responsibility from an early age. The best tool I know for this is an alarm clock. Before they start first grade they should be able to read a digital clock. If not, teach them how! Then show them how to set the alarm. You may need to remind them the first few nights, but in a short time they will have accomplished it. Tell them from the first night you help them set it that they must stay in bed until it rings, and must get up as soon as it does. Do not tell they about the snooze button. They’ll learn about that soon enough. Also tell they that if they don’t get up when it rings they will miss a day of school. And mean it! Keep them home or take them late. Don’t send them to Grandma’s house to have a fun filled day with her. Sure, it will mess up your whole day, and then let them know it. They’ll get up the next day. First grader love school and making their parents happy and proud is what they long to do!
4) Accept no excuses; not from yourself, or your kids. They don’t misbehave because they are tired, hungry, too hot, too cold or too anything; They misbehave because they know that will get them what they want. And if they have heard us soy, “You have to excuse his behavior because he’s tired – hungry or whatever.” You have given him permission to misbehave.
There are lots of other thing we parents need to do before our kids become “tweens”, but you get the point. Especially when you know that by the time a child enters middle school his behavior is pretty much established.
However, tween’s behavior patterns are not always apparent because their environment – parents, peers, teachers, family members – mask their expression during the early formative years. Middle school becomes the time kids must get their life away from their parents.
Often parents become upset when I tell their middle school kids, “Your job over the next couple of years is to get your life away from your parents.” Then I ask the child how do they think they can do that. After some discussion I redeem myself to the parent by telling the kids, “You need to do everything your parents want you to do, just before they tell you to do it!”
I understand that stuff about the frontal lobe development, but too often we allow kids to use it an as an excuse for bad behavior. It’s no different than excuses made because she didn’t like her lunch and she’s hungry. I’m not saing teens do not need parents, but here the role changes. Teens will show us their version of what we taught them. We will act as behavior consultants, and if we have showed them how to be adults they will feel free to ask for our advice. If not, we have failed them and we may all be in trouble.
Parenting teens, really begins when they are born, if not before. The best parenting plan is to be the person you want your child to become!