What’s wrong with how to parent books?

In my last post I quoted some horrible statistics and concluded that our current parenting books are not doing what needs to be done. Today I’ll tell you what I think is wrong, and in the next post I’ll offer some solutions.

I have not read all of the how to parent books, visited all the web-sites, or read all the blogs, but I see two problems with those I have read.

First, most how to parent books have the parenting horse behind the cart. They fail to appreciate that the first word in parenting is “parent”, not “child”. There are how to books that discuss child problems from soiled diapers, breast feeding, and stinking umbilical cords, to discipline, spanking, how to get kids to stop crying, and everything in between.

To make parenting easy, these authors suggest a plan that parents must try to fit to their family. They forget there are about 4 million babies born in the United States each year, each with a different personality. They disregard the fact that the 6-8 million new parents each have different expectations, schedules, life styles, personalities, needs, fears and frustrations. Add them up and you can see that trying to solve all parenting problems with one handbook, or parenting style, is like building a city with only one shovel.

The truth is there are as many ways to parent as there are parent-child triads, or, too frequently, duos. One child’s sleep pattern may be ideal in his family, but totally unacceptable in another. What one family finds useful may frustrate another. Unfortunately, for most of the problems kids present, there is no easy solution, no right way, and no method that “works” with every problem.

That’s OK, because these are not the problems parents and parenting books need to address. Kids will learn how to use the toilet, take a shower, eat with a spoon and eventually, regardless of what you do or don’t do, they’ll stop throwing the pots and pans out of the kitchen cabinets. (Read on, I’ll tell you later what kids really need from their parents.)

The second problem I see with how to parent books is much more serious. Most miss the real purpose of parenting. Parenting is not about kids, parenting is about parents! Parents’ principal goal must be to help their kids become men and women of character. Isn’t that every parent’s desire?

Lack of character is the biggest problem we have in the world today. It seems everyone, from the kid next door to the president, lies with impunity. I know many people I would trust with my life, but there are others I wouldn’t trust to change cat litter. Some people I know proudly tell me they just plain don’t trust anyone.

Does everyone exist only to serve themselves? Is “pleasure at any cost” our national mantra? Many think so, but I disagree. Not everyone lacks character, but too many of us are shallow and lack deep conviction of character. The real problem is parents can’t influence their kids to become men and women of character if they themselves lack it.

In my next post, I will review some good how to be a parent books, and tell why I like them.