There are probably three kinds of peer pressure. The most common kind is a desire to do something that is neither right nor wrong just to fit in or because others do it. In Tennessee wearing orange is an example. Vandy fans might think that’s wrong, because orange is UTs color but it really doesn’t matter. Other examples are kids who want to wear their hair long or short depending on what everyone else is doing. Choosing a favorite soda, drinking coffee, wearing rings are some other examples. These things are value neutral and should not concern us. We may not like long hair on boys, but we let it go. It is not a cause worth fighting, so live with it!
The second kind of peer pressure involves wanting to do something that we know is wrong, but others do it so we would like to do it, too. Kids, like the rest of us, need permission to do the things they know they shouldn’t. They seek permission from other kids who are already involved it that activity. We call that negative peer pressure, but we should start calling it like it is, “Peer Permission”. I’ve talked with many teenagers who wanted to try marijuana. They sought permission from some friends who they knew smoked and tried it once or twice. They may not have asked permission directly, or they may have asked their friends if they could get them some drug, tobacco, porn movie, or what ever it was they wanted to do. If they did not like it after they tried it they no longer hang out with those kids.
Positive peer pressure, on the other hand, does exist! When we know we should do something but really don’t want to do it, peers will “pressure” us into doing it in subtle ways, without even knowing it.
“Hey, Joe,” they may ask. “Did you finish your report yet?” “Were you able to get problem 12?” Wasn’t that story we had to read interesting?” “Don’t you just hate the way smokers stink?”
This pressure is real peer pressure! It’s the kind of pressure which we should use to motivate our teens. Discussing home work with your kids is more effective than helping them with it. Let them do it; it gives them ownership and that’s exactly what we want. Ownership is a great motivator!
The lesson in all this is to make sure kids know what is right, what is wrong, and what is value neutral; and why! By showing them your values and telling them why you believe in these values you will set the stage for them to not seek peer permission. They will be there true self and they will not want to disappoint you, their esteemed parents! You will have concurred the dreaded “peer pressure” and realize it’s peer permission that harms.