Did you ever ask your self, “What are my parenting goals for my children?” In other words, where is the goal line, the tape, the end zone; what constitutes victory? Or simply, why do we parent?
I attended Franklin Rotary meeting this morning and heard Vanderbilt’s head gold coach Scott Limbaugh talk about his team. I was so impressed when he mentioned he looks for three things when recruiting golfers, golf talent, academic excellence, and character. He was a great speaker and so very excited about where he is; his enthusiasm permeated the room.
He started me thinking back to the time when I asked a mother about her parenting goals. She told me her’s was to get her son to three without killing him! Fortunately, for the baby, the mother, and me, she laughed and added, “I never thought of goals. Should I?
Yes, She should! You should, I should, we all should. If we don’t know where we’re going, how will we know how to get there, or when we arrive?
Think about taking a road trip in your new car with no destination in mind. Drive for the sake of driving. You might start thinking your wasting gas, or that truck ahead could spray a stone and mark your paint, or worse yet, the stone could crack your windshield. Could you be accelerating too fast or braking too hard and damage the tires, which leads you to become weary that you could hit a nail and have a flat. What if you hit a pot hole and throw out the wheel alignment? You could start to fret over seeing a pot hole, take your eyes off of traffic, hit a car, and end your trip. At best, worrying about every little detail will take any joy out of the day.
Contrast that with a drive to visit your old friend in San Francisco. You might look at a map, plug the address into your GPS, and listen to Jane tell you how to get there. In other words, you would concentrate on the long term goal, and pay no attention to the little things that might, but most likely won’t, happen to ruin your trip. You’d have lot’s more fun and the drive would be much more relaxing.
No road trip should begin without a destination in mine. Neither should a baby be born to parents who have no plan for parenting. The long-range goal of parenting is to deliver into the world a young man or woman filled with character. Concentrating on this goal makes parenting much easier.
Having a parenting goal puts everything in perspective. “Keep your eye on the goal,” St. Paul reminds us, and everything else will fall into place. When I started college my goal was to be a doctor, everything else was secondary. For the next 8 years everything I did was subject to the question: Will this push me closer to my goal, or be an obstacle to it. Not many late night parties in those years, no skipping school on a beautiful spring day to go to the beach. A little dull perhaps, but it got me to my goal. Parenting is like that to.
With the goal of raising your child to be a man or woman of character in mind, puts your eyes on your kids as adults. With that in mind would you worry if your son didn’t make his bed like an Army Private? Probably not. Would you get upset if she left a few peas on her plate? I doubt it. What if he doesn’t take his dirty clothes to the laundry room? No need to get upset, don’t go get his things, and please don’t wash them. If he has to go to school in dirty clothes for a day or two, that’s OK. Sooner or later, he’ll come to you with his eyes cast down asking for help. Then, if he’s old enough, you teach him how to wash his own clothes. He will have learned a new skill and your life will then be easier. In the process he will gain some independence which will boost his self image, and move him a little closer to being a man of character.
If your daughter lied to you about her homework would that bother you? Definitely! Your choice is to punish her and teach her not to get “caught” lying again, or you could explain that you and her mother/dad and other adults tell the truth. You explain that your family lives by their word. That lying will lead to a bad habit, loss of trustfulness, and loss of friends. You’r most important challenge is to have shown her that you don’t lie. Otherwise, she would know you were lying when you say you and your spouse don’t lye!
Study after study tell us that kids learn right from wrong – the basis of character – from their parents. So be the person you want your kids to become.
If Son was cut from the basket ball team would you go see the coach and give him a “piece of your mind” to help your son build his self esteem? Or, help him find some other way to exercise, a new place to play, or a spot on an intramural team, and help him build his character?
Loosing a piece of your mind, or helping him find an excuse or someone to blame won’t build his self esteem. Self esteem comes from inside of him. It comes when he sets a goal and succeeds, or fails, and looks inside himself for the reason. And then finds another project to work on. Accepting failure, as well as success, and dealing with it builds self esteem and character. Don’t be afraid to let your kids fail. Failure is part of life! Dealing with failure, defeat, and success moves him toward the goal of character.
Helping your kids become men and women of character is the real long-term goal! Many of you might argue that your goal should be making sure he/she has a relationship with his Creator and I agree, but developing that relationship is one of the steps to developing character.
We all need a long-term goal and many short-term goals. But, the short-termers need to complement the long-term; they need to be stepping stones. They are the stops on the road to San Francisco that refill our gas tanks, our stomachs and refresh minds and bodies.
I do not want anyone to think that’s all there is to developing character or parenting, it isn’t. But, parenting is simpler, more rewarding, and more fun if you have some goals, both short-term and long-term. Parenting for character begins at birth if not before. The most important part of parenting is the parent, not the child, be the person you want your child to become, because he will be come you!