Here is a guest blog I wrote for a friend of mine, http://enchantedcollar.com/blogs/ . I’m still working on Work Ethic Part 2, It will appear soon.
Some years ago I asked my 16 y/o son how he resisted peer pressure. His answer floored me,”There is no such thing as peer pressure,” he responded. Then he went on to ask me how I resisted peer pressure. I wasn’t aware I had any, but he cited a couple of cases where I did. (He saw what I did even when I didn’t see it). Then he concluded, “Peer pressure is an excuse to do what you want to do, when you know you shouldn’t. No one makes you smoke or drink or any think like that unless you want to”. I should add that he had a 4.0 GPA and 2 years later graduated as salutatorian in a class of more than 400.
Three years ago I asked the same question of his 16 y/o son. His answer was nearly the same. “I ignore it. I guess there are some kids who do things to please other kids, but I just do what I think is the right thing.” He too, was an honor student, had a lot of friends, played football and trombone, and is now a Cadet at West Point.
Think about it, if you want to smoke are you going to hang with kids who don’t smoke and listen to them harp at you for smoking? or are you going to find other kids who smoke and spend time with them? It’s an easy answer.
Peer pressure is an excuse! We start to teach our kids to make excuses at young age; he’s tired, he’s hungry, he’s not feeling well. These excuses allow kids to get away with bad behavior, but worse, they teach kids that excuses work. Then we re-inforce excuse making with, “If the phone’s for me, tell them I’m not here!” “Tell your teacher you weren’t feeling well and couldn’t finish your homework.” Now we teach them to lie as well as to make excuses.
But, back to the peer pressure excuse. We re-inforce it every time we use the term. “Kids are under so much pressure today, I don’t know how they can possibly resist.” Means, to a teen, that he is not strong enough to resist so why not just give in to temptation. Be clear, that I am not just denying peer pressure; I have asked many adults, including myself, and many, many kids what things they did, because of peer pressure, that they knew were wrong, and they really did not want to do them? I’m still waiting for the first answer!
On the other hand, positive peer pressure does exist. A good fiend wll get you to do things that you know you should do, but don’t really want to put forth the effort. For example home work, exercising, volunteering in school, church, or community. The common element is knowledge of what you should and should not do.
The question becomes, how do we get our kids to behave in a way that is in their best interest? The simple answer, is to be the people we want our kids to become.
If this subject interests you, you will find a chapter on peer pressure in my “how to be a parent” book, Messengers in Denim. Check it out at your library or book store, if they don’t have it ask them to order it. It is also available on Amazon in both print and kindle versions.