If you listened to the first Parenting Matters show you will have already heard this blog. If not, read this post. To hear what our show’s Guest Expert had to say listen to the pod-cast on my new website, www.parenting-matters.com. There you will also hear what one local couple had to say. I’m sure you will enjoy it.
Soon after the release of my parenting book “Tools for Effective Parenting”, my wife Mary, and I were invited to give a series of talks about B”Parenting and Cultural Change” at a Sunday school in Brentwood Methodist Church.
During the third session one of the men remarked that the class was so different from what he thought it would be. “It’s more about doing the right thing than pediatrics,” he said.
“I thought pediatricians only treated sick kids, did physicals, and gave shots. This class is more of a how to live a good life than how to parent, isn’t it?”
“What a great observation,” I answered. “It sounds like you have the message 100 per cent right! It is a how to be a parent class, not a how to parent class. I’m glad you noticed the difference.”
How to be a parent classes, or books, start with the parent– if parent does this, child will do that. How to parent literature starts with the child — if child does this, parent should do that. This latter type of parenting has the cart before the horse. These parents try to lead from behind. That just doesn’t work.
Where parenting from behind has led us, and why we need to change our focus is apparent from today’s statistics.
Every day in the USA 1,825 kids are abused or neglected; four abused kids die each day. Five kids commit suicide, seven are killed by firearms, and 4,500 kids are arrested each and every day.
Something must change!
I spoke last fall to the Irish and American Pediatric Society and challenged pediatricians to teach people how to be better parents! If we pediatricians would dedicate ourselves to learn more about good parenting we could do a better job of teaching parents.
Pediatricians using immunizations have all but irradiated polio, measles, rubella, H. Influenza meningitis, and many other diseases.
The AAP’s “Back to Sleep” initiative has cut deaths from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome in half.
We can do the same to the morbidity and mortality forced upon our kids, our families, and our world by moving the cart back behind the horse.
You might ask, and you should, “Who died and appointed you Parenting Guru?” I don’t pretend to know all the answers, but my wife Mary, and I have raised four very successful children. I have spent half a century studying kids, families, and society, and I have been instructing parents for many decades. I know that something has to change or our society will not survive. I ask your forbearance and your help in making the changes.
Too often pediatricians (and I am one), other parenting experts, and parents, think parenting is about the children. But, the first word in parenting is “parent”. Parenting is about the parent.
Let me tell you my three prong program to make parenting easier.
First of all, take care of your spouse and yourself!
If you don’t make it, the children will suffer. It’s like the airline staff)
telling you if the cabin loses pressure, put your mask on and then put a mask on your children. They imply that you can’t help them if you pass out.
All parents know that the first few weeks at home babies are very time consuming. But after a month or two, baby needs to adjust to the parent’s schedule. After all, the parents were there first, baby came to live with them; he/she needs to adapt.
Most importantly, parents should plan a date night once every week until the last child goes off to college. Don’t let your kids, or their sitter, ever interrupt your date unless they call the police, ambulance, or fire department first. Part of your job is to teach your children independence! Best of all, you’ll find when the kids are gone you’ll still have your best friend to continue to love, and date even more than once a week, for the rest of your lives.
We recognize that many kids have single parents. We’ll talk later in the show about how these men and women can be, and are, also great parents. In the weeks ahead we will have a special guest to help us develop a plan for these hard working parents.
Prong two, don’t sweat the small stuff: When I was a pediatric resident Mary and I had three very active pre-school boys. Their mischief seemed unending.
So I asked advice from a seasoned pediatric nurse and mother of several grown kids. In short, she told me, to first ask yourself if what they’re doing will harm themselves or others. If not, will they still be doing it in 5 years? If so, get on them. But, remember they are little kids and most of the things they do that irritate you and your wife they won’t be doing in 5 years; it’s all small stuff, and don’t sweat the small stuff.
Think about it, kids will eventually stop throwing the toys out of the toy box and the pots and pans out of the kitchen cabinets. They’ll learn to brush their teeth and take a shower. But, kids are messy! Get used to it while they are learning to be neat.
Eat what you and your spouse like and put some of it on your kids’ plates. If they don’t like it, that’s OK. Don’t beg, cajole, bribe them, or show any concern that they didn’t eat. They’ll get hungry enough to eat long before they starve or become vitamin deficient. And, they’ll learn to love a wide variety of foods.
As they get older, provide a place for them to do their homework. Don’t do it for them or sit with them; rather, read a book or work on a hobby. But don’t think you can watch TV while they are forced to work. They’ll tell you it isn’t fair and it isn’t!
The third and most important prong: Be the kind of person you want your children to become. Kids do what they see
their parents do.
Many years ago. I was walking down a street in Milwaukee and noticed a young man ahead of me holding a toddler’s hand. When the light turned red, Dad squatted to talk with Son. What do you think Son did? You’re right, he squatted just like his Dad.
Study after study shows that the parent’s behavior is the number one factor that determines a child’s adult behavior. If you want your kids to become men and women of character, be a man or woman of character.
I’m sure many of you wonder if these three, little efforts, 1) Take care if your spouse and yourself, 2) Don’t sweat the small stuff, and 3) Be the person you want your child to become, will really make parenting easier. They will, and we will talk more about them on up-coming shows.
Now go to my site www.parenting-matters.com, to hear what Dr Michelle Fiscus, pediatrician and deputy director of the Tennessee Dept of health has to say about making parenting easier!